_{[This post is written in Taglish.]}

I was never the kind of person with a strong and unbreakable faith. I have mentioned, in fact, that mine was tarnished a few years back, where I even had a phase that I do not believe in God anymore. It was that bad.

---

My friends and I have talked about this one night. Paano ka magpalipas ng galit? Two of them answered by taking a shower, one said he likes to drive without any destination in mind, and three answered by sleeping. Isa ko do’n sa mga gustong matulog.

For some reason, ‘di ko kayang magpalipas ng galit while taking a shower kasi mas nag-iisip ako. Shower is actually one of my favorite places to think about and decide over some things, na kung galit ako, mas lalo lang akong magooverthink pag iniligo ko. Kelangan ko talagang itulog, mars. Kung galit pa rin ako paggising ko.. ‘Yon. Do’n ka na mag-start ng Hail Holy Queen kasi galit talaga ako no’n.

Going back.. Faith.

I was thinking about faith, politics, religion, and a lot of other stuff earlier while taking a shower. Sabi ko nga, kung ano ano talagang naiisip ko habang naliligo. Tapos kanina wala pa ‘kong background music habang nagsesenti, edi lalo na.

Iniisip ko ‘yung mga kamag-anak kong BBM supporters. Kaninang hapon pa actually. Kasi may group chat kami tapos nagsimula ‘yung isa na, “Panalo na si BBM kasi dala siya ng INC,” hanggang sunod sunod na ‘yung messages sa group chat na sobrang na-off na ‘ko.

Nakakapaisip lang, kasi ‘yung isa do’n palaging bukambibig na “magdasal lang kayo,” “si lord na bahala sa kanila,” “ipagpaubaya nyo na kay lord” tapos ‘yung mga sinusuportahang tao agree sa extrajudicial killings? Galit kayo sa scammer pero sa magnanakaw hindi? Sobrang hipokrito.

Iniisip ko kung anong mangyayari sa Pilipinas after the elections. Biglang surge ng covid cases? Expected lockdowns? Red list na ulit sa ibang bansa? Jusko, ipanalo na10 ‘to.

Iniisip ko what my next step is. Am I still leaving for UAE? Do I still want to leave PH? I’ve been here for almost 6 months na. Sobrang dami nang nangyari. At alam ko sobrang dami pa ring mangyayari dahil napakadami pa ring kailangang ayusin.

When will I be able to do what I want?

What is it that I really want?

---

I was never the kind of person with a strong and unbreakable faith. Pero on times like this — when I don’t have answers, when I feel so lost and I don’t know what else to do, I wish I’m that kind.

Alam kong wala namang basehan ang faith. It’s not measured by anything, be it the number of times you pray the entire day or your constant appearances in church every Sunday. Your definition of faith and your relationship with God solely depends on you and only you. Ikaw at ang Diyos lang ang nakakaalam no’n.

Ngayon, ang problema kasi as to why I can’t say that my relationship with God is hard rock solid is because I know in myself na there are times where I still have doubts.

I still have doubts as to why, if He, someone superior and powerful, someone who loves His people, really exist, bakit hinahayaan N’yang masaktan ‘yung mga taong hindi naman deserve masaktan? People who only have pure intentions in this world and do not mean any harm to others? Na kung pagsubok lang lahat ng ‘yon, bakit hindi N’ya sa masasamang tao ibigay?

Nagdadasal naman ako. Marunong naman ako no’n. Marunong naman akong magpasalamat sa mga bagay na alam kong galing sa Kanya, marunong naman akong humingi ng patawad sa mga bagay na alam kong dapat hindi ko naisip at nagawa.

I just wish for more understanding, I guess. Na sana mas maintindihan ko pa ng mabuti as to why things are happening because everything is so fucked up, pagod na pagod na akong magtanong what lesson this problem is teaching me.

Atsaka pala Popeyes’ fries. I wish makapag-Popeyes ako this month.

O kahit 2D1N trip sa dagat.

Peace of mind, french fries, o dagat. Maalin.