If you would tell the future me that I’ve been waking up as early as 6 am nowadays, she won’t believe you. She’d tell you that it’s usually her sleeping time and the only reason she’d wake up that early is for a BTS live-stream concert.

But if you would tell the future me that I’ve been working out again every single day, she will.

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I’ve always loved working out. That’s my favorite thing to do aside from writing whenever I have so many thoughts in my head; an escape, per se – the only type of pain I enjoy having.

There are so many things going on these past few months and if I’m being honest, my head is nothing but cloudy. I do hang out with family and friends from time to time, distract myself by fangirling, painting, or reading – making that specific time of the day sunny – but the clouds always come back whenever I’m back in my room, alone, at night.

It’s hard. And this is coming from someone who never had problems with being alone ha. Someone who loves solitude, someone who thoroughly enjoys the peace that comes with it.

It’s hard ‘cause even though you know you can ask for help and talk to people about it, nothing’s gonna happen because whatever that’s making you worry is out of your control. That’s what makes me more frustrated. I can’t do anything about it! When you badly wanted the problem to be fixed but the solution isn’t going to come from your side. You don’t have anything else to do but wait. Napakahirap.

I guess this is where we talk about the saying, “if you know you’ve done everything you could, the only thing you can do is leave it up to God.”

Even though my family isn’t one of the super religious ones, my Mom would always take us to church every Sunday and my lola would always pray and have pamisa for us. I even went to a Catholic high school and dropped whatever I was doing every 12 noon or 6 pm for the Angelus. I know what prayer’s next on every mass and I know every mystery of the rosary.

Well, I used to.

I can’t remember when it happened exactly but I know my faith has been tarnished years back and was slowly drifting away through time. I guess it was during the period where I was fucking lonely and I had to ask myself, that if there really is a God, why does he let bad things happen to good people? Tapos dumagdag pa do’n ‘yung a few years after, I got into a relationship with someone who has a different religion than mine. It was a wonderful relationship but it was.. hard.

There were so many why’s.

There still are.

I may not be as faithful as I was before but I still pray every night. That’s a fact. I believe that there is someone out there – something – a God, that is beyond all of us; someone powerful, someone who’s in control of everything, someone who’s in charge of all the beauty in this world. I do.

Whenever I see something beautiful, something unexplainable, I know there’s a God behind it. The different colors of the sunset, the way it’s painted across the vast sky. The rainbow and how seven colors sit next to each other, giving people hope that something beautiful comes after every storm. The constellation of stars in the night sky, the way you can connect each of them and come out with something more breathtaking than ever.

I still have so many why’s. I don’t think I’ll ever run out of it.

But tonight, I’ll focus on the unexplainable good why’s because life, no matter how shitty it has been to me lately, is still beautiful. I refuse to believe that we’re not here in this world just to live every day with worries; no. We live to see the beauty of it everyday. The small details. The big ones! The never-ending lessons you get to learn, the different relationships you have with people to make it worthwhile.

That’s life. It’s unexplainable, full of plot twists, and most of the time, a rollercoaster hell of a ride, but it’s beautiful.

And so are you.