_{[Author’s note: this post is written in taglish.]}

Like how I always start my posts whenever I pause with writing… Hi. It’s been a while.

Been a while since I had my thoughts written down; been a while since I’ve last written a letter. Happy New Year, by the way! I’m currently back in the Philippines for the holidays and everything’s going really well, so far. (Well except for the fact that PH is on another wave of COVID, again, and has been declared “on high risk” – again.) I get to spend time with the people I love, I get to eat foods that I’ve been craving for a while. Masaya.

Remember when I had that post where I said the reason why I was hesitant to go back in PH even just for a break is because I was afraid of getting reminded by memories here and there? Hindi naman pala. I thought I’d get flashbacks of things, people, and memories wherever I go but newsflash: didn’t happen. The only time a memory hit me hard was on the first night I passed by Trinity Church but other than that, I’m okay.

That worry.. It moved from PH to Abu Dhabi. What if I go back and get flooded with memories since mas fresh ‘yung nangyari? I mean, it has only been three months since what happened plus my family and friends aren’t there pa to keep my mind off things when shit happens. How do I distract myself?

Sabi nga ni Juan Miguel, ang lugar ay pawang lugar lamang. Hindi ito tahanan ng mga alaala mo. So feeling ko.. feeling ko kaya ko naman.

Actually, ‘di ko nga rin alam why I still want to go back there when I can stay in PH naman for good, with the kind of work I’m doing. E mostly nasa bahay lang din naman ako do’n. Ewan ko ba. Philippines is just on a whole ‘nother level right now and if I have the privilege to move to a better place, why not take it, right?

But I’m okay. I guess.

I’ve been nothing but okay during my stay here in PH; I just have to know if it’s only because I’m distracted with all my ganaps in life. Kasi I really thought I am, eh. Not until wala akong lakad for the day tapos ang ending, tulog nalang ulit kasi ayaw mag-isip. I still have those days. And nights.

Tonight, actually, is one of those. Hindi lang kasing lala nung nasa Abu Dhabi ako na out of 24 hours a day, 14-16 hours akong tulog. Halos kakagising ko lang din now from a 4-hour nap na grabe ‘yung thoughts ko at the moment, nabasag ‘yung writing hiatus ko.

The only time I was aware na I wasn’t okay was during my first week in hotel quarantine. I guess that was 3 am tapos nakatulog na ‘yung kausap ko on call. Parang it hit me na, hala, kaya naman pala ulit ‘yung same wavelength. Kaya naman pala ‘yung same level of humor. Mga ganong bagay. Tas wala, nalungkot lang ako and cried. Hahaha. Napatigil lang ako nung nagising s’ya and told me, “don’t cry.” Lol. ‘Di ko alam kung narinig n’ya ‘yung monologue ko since I like talking to myself while crying pero wapakels. I barely know the person that time. Even until now, ‘di ko masabi kung kilala ko na nga ba ‘yung tao.

It’s so hard to trust people nowadays, ‘no? Lalo na if nameet mo lang online. Parang no matter how honest and genuine you are sa kanila, you can’t expect them to do the same kasi magkaibang tao naman kayo. Tapos since naghahanap ka lang naman ng kausap, parang kahit sampalin ka ng red flags, you just keep a blind eye and let it pass you. Cause again, what were your intentions in the first place? Anong hanap? Kausap. And madami ka no’n. You just need to filter out which ones are worth your energy.

‘Yun naman ‘yung na-appreciate ko sa self ko these past years. I really do everything to protect my peace. I cut people off easily when they fuck up, I choose who I give my time to, and I guard my heart so, so well nowadays, ang taas taas na ulit ng walls ko. I mean, I’m still me. Pero ‘yung outer layer nalang ‘yung nakikita ng lahat because that’s what I choose to share. I’m back in my shell again and it’s gonna stay that way for a while.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good start this year. I still have a lot of thoughts pero i-separate post ko nalang ’cause this one’s getting long already. COVID is still there so please stay safe! May the only negative thing in your life this year are your covid tests and may we all keep going despite how shitty this pandemic is treating us. Happy new year ulit!

Love, Amielle