it’s not on the night you broke up. you were firm with your decision, believing that it’s what’s best for the both of you. it’s after three months when you don’t have anything else to put your time and attention to anymore and it all just started to sink in your mind. more than two years of your life together, gone.
it’s not during the time you’re alone in transit, on your way to a place you haven’t been to. you love solo traveling; it was never a problem for you. it’s when you reach and think of how better the place would be if you experience it with him, especially because you both love trying new things, food, and places together.
it’s not during the time you were traveling alone in georgia. you were with newfound friends; you had company. it’s when you’re back in your airbnb after a tiring tour, alone, thinking how nice it would be to have someone ask you how your day went.
it’s not during the time you were taking a random couple’s photo that one cold afternoon in svaneti. you were happy to do it. you even tried your best to give them a photo they’d be happy with. it’s when you asked someone to take a photo of you and no matter how hard you both tried, it doesn’t turn out the way you want them to, ‘cause it was only him who knew exactly how you want your photos taken.
it’s not during the time you were out, enjoying quality time with friends. an easy escape that you’ve been doing whenever you feel lonely lately. u sad? hang out with a friend to forget for a while. it’s when you go ice skating with friends and think about how he’s not there anymore to catch you if you fall. how no one’s going to make you feel safe anymore just by holding your cold hands.
he was always there every single time you’re on a rink. he has always been there.
even if you’re on a rink or not, he was always there.
and that’s where it gets lonelier.
when you don’t receive good morning and good night texts anymore, when you don’t have someone constantly asking you how your day went, when you don’t know how to answer people when they started asking about him and how he’s doing, when you wake up from a very bad dream and you don’t have anyone to call, when you have good news and it’s still him you want to tell it to first.
there are a lot of things.
but remembering that it was you who asked for this, crying and asking God if you made the right decision, those nights…
those nights were – and will always be – the loneliest.