after midnight

september 28, 2021 ~ 01:53 am

when did i start becoming a very private person?

i saw my old tumblr & wordpress account the other night and spent hours reading about the life of a growing 15-year-old girl, stressing a lot about high school, and boys who don’t like her back. i used to be really active writing about my days online, mentioning even the smallest details like going out for breakfast with insert-friends’-names here or sleeping over at my best friend’s place doing nothing. i used to post photos a lot and literally share almost everything.

i rarely do that now. ten years after.

there are times that i may have mentioned my friends’ names here but most of the time, i don’t do it on purpose. i also stopped posting photos of family & friends on my rinsta, and when i post them on my ig stories, i always make sure to hide their username handles.

why? because i don’t like people stalking my family and friends’ accounts just to get to know more about me. i know better because that’s the easiest way i get to know stuff about people. those who put everything on public are the easiest targets, not just for stalkers but also for fbi wannabes like me. if i’m going to stalk myself online, will i find anything?

not a flex but i’m a pro with that now. my friends even message for help whenever they’re looking for someone online. i found someone years back and learned almost everything about him just because of his nametag (nickname only, not even the same name on facebook) at work. am i starting to sound creepy now? or is it interesting enough that i should write some tips? chos. i was kidding. or am i?

hm!! where was i again? ah. privacy.

even if you check my instagram now, you won’t be seeing anything. i’ve archived all my posts, hidden all my tagged photos, like i’m some girl running away from something. (i mean, i kinda am running away from something, not just in a criminal way.) i also don’t have a facebook account for around 9, 10 months now. best believe, you won’t get a lot from me.

my family & friends don’t even know what’s happening with my life lately. you guys know more than they do because i honestly haven’t opened up with them (yet) and keeps things to myself (again!) only. only a few ask how i’m really doing these days, only a few even read my blog. i mean.. everything’s here. if you can only spare maybe a few minutes of your time whenever i post on my ig story about a new post, you’d know why i was still up at 6 am. you’d know why i deleted my finsta. you’d know i’ve been shit.

i know that sounds selfish right now because if i want my friends to know i need help, i should come to them. but that’s the thing. i can’t.

and as much as i appreciate the very few people who read my blog, i would prefer you not to message me privately and say i can message if i wanna talk. even mentioning about it in person feels awkward to me, like.. “oh i’ve seen your blog.” (pls pls i hope these won’t be misinterpreted) but how do i answer that? “ah great, you’ve read about me mentally breaking down. what should i do next?”

taking time to read my posts and going out of your way to send a message, i appreciate that. A LOT. but trust me, if i’m ready to talk about it, i would be talking to you instead of writing long-ass posts online.

PMs like this with no pressure of me replying – those are solid exemptions OR we can talk about other things, i’d be happy with that!

going back because i am a person who get easily distracted…

my friends heard about my 4-year-relationship’s breakup more than 3 months after it happened. my mom even heard it from me after almost a year. i got into a relationship for 2 years with a very patient and understanding guy after that and my friends only knew about it a year after we started dating. thinking if i should just tell them about what happened after a year also..? (if it really doesn’t get fixed. idk. the only thing i can say is it’s complicated, although i am truly okay being alone. sobrang dejavu feelings from almost 3 years back but that’s a different topic. don’t ask more questions about it, i will only leave you on read.)

so ayon. the only access that people – be it the nosy ones or my friends – will have with my life is through this blog. that’s it. super crazy pa cause this is my most personal one and this is where people get the most access? kala mo with premium membership? i mean, sure, go on and read about my life. at least you get to know who i really am instead of judging me through my curated instagram feed.

still a win-win, i guess.

8 thoughts on “after midnight

  1. Been awhile since we’ve got a real conversation. I even ran away from blogging for years after entering a such step up of my life that I thought would be great, though, it is, it makes me feel running again too. In this world we’re vlogging Is already the thing and blogging is almost like a dust, I am still greatful I’ve got one friend around here whom I can interact heart by heart via our blogging medium.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This reminds me of how my mental health too was so affected by social media when I was working in Bahrain. I deleted all my close friends in Facebook in 2014 and ended up deactivating it for a year. Didn’t have an IG til 2015 and deleted it then creating one again and deleting it again in 2019 for peace of mind. Now I have a new IG account but no photos yet inside.Hahaha. This time, I know deep inside that Im not after the followers. That time has passed for me. Im looking for more inspirational and meaningful accounts to follkw and not care about how many followers I have.

    My relationship of 6 years ended on my 3rd year being abroad and it was through Viber,not even a phone call. I used to have livejournal in 2009(ended up deleting in 2011 I guess?), Multiply blog (but that site ended up closing its own business—sad), had a Blogger (ended up converting all posts to draft and decided to keep my WordPress because it’s more interactive) and here I am now still with WP 7 years later,still so happy and satisfied.

    Do not feel bad if you have decided to keep your social media quiet and private. It is for your own peace of mind. Being abroad isn’t easy and being judged by people you don’t know really doesn’t matter. They don’t know your struggles. They just see what you post.

    I understand that WP might have become your personal space but I think your (us) followers here, isnt really much of a judge-r 🤗 so it’s okay. Ever since I came here in WP in 2014,I understand that the community is the most appreciative and helpful in any other social media platform ive ever been.

    Enjoy life always while you’re in your 20s! ❤ From Baguio,PH! 😁

    Like

  3. proud of you for even pouring your heart out here, no matter who sees it. ang strong mo. i hope i also have the same strength to avoid conversations i don’t wanna have just yet.

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