the number of hours i’ve been sleeping in a day isn’t normal. i am aware of that.
i’ve had this schedule for a few weeks now and it’s already a routine at this point.
i’m only awake for 10 hours a day and the remaining 14 hours are spent on sleeping. i know that’s not normal and i know something’s wrong with me, but i honestly don’t have the energy to do anything anymore.
the thing is, i’ve never had sleeping as a coping mechanism before. i always prefer keeping myself busy, talking to people, catching up with friends, trying my best to keep my mind off things, but now, it’s the escape that’s been working best for me.
my friends start conversations now with an “are you awake?” message; or whenever i don’t reply in the group chat, one would say, “amielle’s probably sleeping again.” which is true. i am always, always asleep lately. i even cancel plans now with the reason, “i won’t come. i’ll be sleeping” and actually falling asleep after. (take note: this is coming from someone who used to take sleeping pills from time to time.)
does it bother me? sometimes – whenever i see my reflection in the mirror, gaining weight from my sleep-eat-sleep routine, seeing how bloated my face looks – but mostly no, because i’ve been lacked of the time to actually.. think. of things, of myself, of what’s needed to be done to get out of this rut.
the only thing i find funny is i don’t even have to force myself into sleeping; it’s my body telling me that it wants sleep most of the time. and even though i’d like to write more about this, my nap is calling me and i promised myself not to write sad stories anymore. so good night, maybe i’ll write again when i wake up; i don’t know.
but wherever you are, i hope you’re not wasting so much of your time and you’re doing much better than i am. take care.