She’s been sleeping late these past few weeks. 4 am, 5 am, sometimes she even catches the sun rise. Last night, she slept at 5 and woke up around 2 pm, got up at 3 only to drink water and eat something to fill her stomach, cried a little more, then went back to sleep after.
Eat, cry, and sleep. It’s like a daily routine by now.
It’s been so sad that not even Bangtan, a recent obsession and something she thinks she’ll never get out of, can’t make her happy. She tried watching one episode of Bon Voyage and can’t even last more than 15 minutes of it. Her mind is full of distractions and voices and other crazy hyenas that she can’t focus on anything – not even on Jeon Jungkook. It was at that point when she realized that she hasn’t been really happy lately; only thought she was because 7 Korean men, who doesn’t even know she exists, make her so.
How will she cope up this time? By writing? Why would she want to write depressing shit again? Should she stop writing then? For her, going on writing hiatus means she’s either really happy with what’s going on with her life or she’s really, really sad. There’s no in between.
Should she talk to her therapist again? She should, but can she? The last time she talked to her was more than 5 months ago, and when she opened the portal last week to book an appointment, she can’t find her on the list. Turns out her therapist isn’t under the company anymore and she was advised to book someone else.
“No,” she said. “It will be so hard to open up again from scratch with a different person and I can’t go through that process again.”
“We totally understand you. We’ll assure you that there will be a proper transition when you give us a chance and agree to try another counselor. Then if you think this really won’t work, we’ll process a refund for you.”
There goes another message left on read then. Compiled together with messages from friends and family whom she does not have the energy to communicate with – yet. This is an “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. They both know she’ll get back to them, just not today.
And now it’s 4:34 AM and she’s writing this post, not even worried about how late it already is. This is what’s normal for her (for) now and she has learned to accept that. Through the years, she understood that she’ll have really bad days and the only way to get through it is to live through it. To accept that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, and that sometimes it’s a complete hurricane where she’s standing right in the middle of it, and that’s okay.
She accepts the emptiness, the uncertainty, the doubts and pain, until it becomes a part of her and she can’t feel any longer. She cries in the shower, or in her bed randomly in the middle of the night, this time, without even stopping herself. She’s done acting strong; there’s no one else around to prove how tough she is. She knows she’s at her weakest and again, she accepted that.
Okay, she’s not okay.. And what about it?