Up to par

Feeling ko one of the reasons kung bakit ayoko (pang) umuwi ng Pinas or tumira dun (for good) is because napakadami ko ng memories from there na ayoko nang balikan.

Not that they’re bad ones. It’s mostly the good that I don’t want.

Ayoko pa ring nagkakaron ng flashbacks about something – maganda man o hindi – kasi my need of not comparing things is still something I’m working on to this date. ‘Yun talaga ‘yung biggest source of unhappiness ko and weakest point ko, not just lately, pero for a few years now. Don’t get me wrong; I’m comparing myself to the old (and happier) versions of myself only. Not with anyone else. I’ve learned not to do that long back.

Pero alam mo ‘yon. Parang.. yes, I’m genuinely happy. Happy with where I am now, with what I have now. Pero hanggang saan? Gaano ako kasaya? Bakit may mga araw na parang may kulang? Na parang may hindi pa ako nagagawa, na parang may kailangan akong gawin para masabing okay ako? Na okay na ako?

Okay na ba talaga ako?

Hahahaha puta. Alam mo ‘yung all this time parang sobrang proud mo sa sarili mo kasi you’ve been doing great lately, ang dami mong ginagawa for self-improvement, pakiramdam mo ang dami mong na-aachieve; only for you to question your ownself – for what? Para ba talaga sa future o dahil lang may mga bagay ka pa ring tinatakbuhan from your past? What is it that you really want?

Featured Image by Regan Mohanan

Minsan, maiisip mo nalang.. na totoo ‘yung kapag naexperience mo nang maging sobrang saya, ‘yung at peak ‘yung happiness mo, wala ka nang ibang gagawin kundi hanap-hanapin ‘yun. You’ll always strive to find that happiness again, do everything just to have it within your reach again.

And that idea is crazy to me because people and experiences in your past really do have such a big impact in your life, no matter how much you run away from them. No matter how much you try to leave them where they belong — in the past. It will always haunt you until you’re brave enough to face and accept it, which you know the fuck I’m not.

Kapag naexperience mo na ‘yung best, not only with relationships or experiences but also with yourself, it sets your standards eh. Hahanap-hanapin mo. Palagi mong tatanungin ‘yung sarili mo kung bakit hindi mo na maranasan ulit ‘yon, kung mararanasan mo pa ba ulit ‘yon. Mostly on days where everything sucks. Especially on days where the present isn’t going your way. And don’t get me started about the future; I’ve never seen a clear picture of mine for years.

Which brings me back to my first point – comparison. Ang dami ko na agad nasabi eh the only thing I wanted to say was I need to stop comparing because see where it lead me. A long ass blog about how fucked up my life is sometimes just because I keep on comparing things, experiences, and people. And as much as I’d like to put responsibility on these stuff that made me feel like this, ang ending, there’s no one to blame but myself.

Kasalanan ba nilang maging basis ng standards ko with how I live now? Hindi. Ako naman ang nag-set nun ‘di ba? Choice ko ‘yun. Pero kasalanan ba nilang hindi ako masaya ngayon kasi palagi kong binabase ‘yung happiness ko from those standards? Hindi rin.

It was I who keeps on looking for my past in my present, that’s true. But I don’t think I’ll ever be sorry for having my own standards of what will make me happy. Sabi nga ng therapist ko – whom I haven’t talked to for monthsss now because it has been great lately pero feeling ko magkikita na naman kami dahil sa post na to – standards are your self-respect to yourself. That’s what you allow for yourself, that’s what you’re willing to accept. And the people who really wanna be in your life will work hard up to par.

You don’t lower your standards just because some people can’t reach it. Trust me, there are people who will. Some will walk through that door easily and some will have to go the extra mile looking for the key, but it won’t matter because in the end, either way will make you happy.

6 thoughts on “Up to par

  1. True! Sometimes seeing people’s achievements could trigger talaga on your anxiety and you start questioning yourself again on what you’ve achieved or start comparing your achievements to theirs. I’ve been feeling a lot like that too for the past few months kaya i decided to remove talaga the sources that could trigger “that.”

    minsan when we go through that whole process again, we just need one person who’ve seen you go through all those hard times because that person could remind you on how far you’ve gone. I mean sila ang magreremind sayo for the little improvements and things you’ve achieved na di mo na notice because you’re looking to something bigger and longer to achieve. Looking at the past minsan could really make you feel stuck, and alam mo yung FOMO? Something like that na feeling but looking on the bright side, i think pwede naman yung gawin motivation to strive better. I don’t know if what I’m saying makes sense but yon, gusto ko na rin umalis dito sa apaka toxic ko na buhay sa pinas 😭

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    1. It does make sense, no worries. Hahaha. And thanks for the reminder na make the past a motivation instead of something that will depress you. I used to tell myself that also pero minsan nakakalimutan ko din talaga.

      Hay!! Sana you get to live the life you want na rin soon. Yakap! Thanks for reading. 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Same sentiments about ‘standards’. At hindi lang ikaw ang nakakafeel ng ganyan. Comparison. Grabe lang. 😆 I feel you girl. I feel you. 😅 Isang malaking bear hug for you my friend. 😊😊😊

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