I have always been a big fan of We’re Not Really Strangers’ content and their card games. So tonight, and the next nights after this, I allow myself to be vulnerable and open again. These are 52 cards in total and posts will be divided into four parts. 13 questions each.
It’s gonna be long solely because I’m writing this for myself. Feel free to reflect with me.
1. What’s the most exciting improvement I’ve been seeing in myself recently?
I used to keep everything I feel inside then burst so bad once – and only when – my tank is already overflowing. Lately, I’ve been learning how to communicate better. I tell people how I feel, why I felt that way, and what can be done to make things okay and not repeated anymore. (Not instantly. I still distance myself and shut my door from people for a long period of time beforehand. Don’t worry, I’m working on it.) I also learned that sometimes, people just won’t really get what’s happening until you tell them about it and that’s okay.
Patience. They want to love you better. Let them.
2. When was the last time I remember being mean to someone? Why did I act this way?
Just today. I told my partner how I felt about something but felt like I wasn’t getting heard at all. I mentioned how upset and disappointed I was and that I’m just repeating myself over and over. I was mean because I wasn’t getting reassured the way I needed and wanted to, despite communicating about it many times before. I wanted my partner to acknowledge my feelings and maybe at least apologize for making me feel that way but (at that time) he didn’t.
[Author’s note: this post was first written on April 15, 2021.]
3. What have I tolerated from people in the past that I no longer have space for?
Taking advantage of me. Doing things over and over again just because they know I will forgive them. Giving multiple chances just because I love them.
4. What or who do I have an unhealthy relationship with?
As much as I’ve talked a lot about self-love before, the person I have an unhealthy relationship with (at the moment) is myself. There was a time when I was on the high of embracing self-love. I loved myself so much, no one can do me wrong because I didn’t allow it. I still have some healing to do but I can’t wait to see a better version of that self. It’s going to be so empowering.
5. When have I given too much of myself in a relationship? What does that look like?
Remember the first time you fell in love and everything makes sense when most of it really doesn’t? You’d do everything you can just to make that person stay because you love them more than yourself? Yeah, that’s when mine is. And I didn’t realize it at the time but yeah, it looks stupid.
What lesson did that leave me with? I learned that I can still love and be loved in a better way after. It might seem like the end of the world for me because I was young and stupid but that taught me to see my self-worth. I am someone who doesn’t deserve to chase people because the right people won’t even run in the first place.
6. What have I outgrown recently? What am I growing into?
I’m tired of hearing people’s hate on other people anymore. For example: there’s this ex-colleague of mine that still sends things about our stressful CEO in our group chat from time to time, even after quitting years ago. Like… Okay, I get it. That company really is bad. But can’t you just move on? It’s been years. We’re all in a better place now.
I feel like I’m growing into someone who doesn’t have space for negativity anymore. Plus I don’t really have time for that, to be honest. Especially if we’ve talked about it more than a few times by now.
7. When was the last time I truly enjoyed my own company? What was I doing?
When I found myself singing at the top of my lungs again one morning. :) Also, the time when I was arranging the bouquet I was given in a vase, with jazz music and a good scented candle in the background.
8. In what ways do I want to be like the people that raised me? What’s important for me to avoid repeating?
There’s a lot that I want to be like but here are some. I want to be as brave as my Dad. He’s been working abroad for 20 years now which means he didn’t see his children grow up. I can’t imagine being away from my family, sacrificing, and missing all the important milestones for that long. I also want to be as bagets as my Mom when I grow older. She’s almost 50 now but wears the same size of clothes I wear. Even my Dad is a cool one and I often get the “you’re like siblings only” compliment all the time. It feels good.
However, one thing I don’t want to repeat is the lack of communication in our family. I guess that’s where my communication problems came from too. Whenever there’s a problem, they’d just let things slide and not talk about it. I don’t want that in my future household. I want everyone to be comfortable enough to say what they’re feeling.
9. Whose life seems most fulfilling to me? What does their life look like?
I can’t say a specific person ‘cause I’m not sure if I know anyone, but a life will seem fulfilling to me if it’s dedicated to helping others wholeheartedly while doing something they love at the same time.
10. Who intimidates me? Why do they intimidate me?
Ehmm, big bosses maybe? I feel like they can step down on me anytime, I don’t know. I don’t really think about it.
11. Wildcard: What is my happiness level on a scale of 1-10? (Write it down and date it. Why is it this number? What would make it 1 score higher?)
April 15, 2021. 6.5 out of 10. Spending quality time with the people I love in person can make it an instant 8.
12. What’s something mean that was said to me in my childhood that I carried to this day? What would I say to my younger self now?
I’m gonna be honest and tell you that I barely remember anything from my childhood. Even the things I did last week. This is why I keep a journal with me and treasure photos/videos more than anyone else does. I won’t remember moments but I’ll remember the pain you’ve caused me almost a decade ago. My memory is that bad.
Ah ok, nevermind. I remember something now. I remember being bullied in grade school & high school because of my physical appearance. Well, I just want to tell my younger self that puberty did you well and you look way better than all your bullies now. Don’t let them get to you. They don’t even look that good when we were younger. Please.
13. Which one of my mistakes taught me the most this past year? What did it teach me?
The mistake of holding onto something that’s no longer there. It taught me to appreciate what I have and not compare them with what I had. Comparing your present with something that’s no longer there will be the root of your unhappiness and that’s the last thing you want. It’s pointless. The past is gone and it doesn’t exist anymore. Accept it and let yourself heal.
Okay.. This took 3.5 hours of self-reflection and it’s only the first 13 questions. 🤯 Feel free to take them and write your own answers, too, if you like. I would love to read it. (That would also put pressure and encourage me to write the next parts asap. Lol.)
39 questions left. Let’s see how vulnerable we can get. Good night!