Letters from A | 05

It’s been a while since I wrote a letter. I don’t know who I’m writing this for so whoever’s reading this – if you feel like you’re mentally ready for some sad thoughts – this is for you.

The past few months were just really one of the lowest. I’ve been shutting myself down from everyone, deactivating on social media, has been taking pills to escape overthinking at night, and a lot more. I didn’t want to admit how lonely I was (and still am) because I didn’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m not.

I’m grateful of everything that I have. I make sure to remind myself of that every single day by taking the time to reflect with at least three things I’m grateful for, every night before bed. And even if I don’t, I am aware of all the great things in my life right now.

I’m just… fucking lonely.

There are nights where I don’t see the point of living anymore. What am I living for? Why am I still here? What is my purpose?

I’m going through so much and what makes it harder is that I can’t talk about it. Because some of it is about the people I love, and I can’t talk about it because I love them so much, I had to protect them. Does that make sense?

Why, though? I can humbly say I’m a good person. I’m a great friend, I’m a great daughter! I help, I listen, I share love as much as I can. I even donate on a monthly basis even if I don’t have a fucking job since April! What have I done wrong? How can the universe say, “Oh, she’s just in bed doing nothing; shower her with problems. She can handle that.” Plot twist: I can’t anymore! Which step did I miss that it had me drowning with sadness?

Even if I’m ready to talk about things, it’s been going on for SO long, literally NO ONE knows anything, and I’m not going to waste my time and anyone’s time about it. Which means, yes, I will – and have always – suffer alone.

I mean.. I’m okay with it. It’s what I’ve been doing ever since. ‘Yun lang, when you’ve been handling things on your own for a long time, you’ll eventually get tired, burst, and breakdown. No matter how strong and independent you are, you’ll need someone to lean on.

And I have that. I appreciate friends reaching out telling me that they’re just there whenever I’m ready to talk about it. The thing is, I will never be. I’ve learned to keep everything to myself, be it the happy things or sad things, that to be honest, no one knows who I really am – 100%. No one. I stopped opening myself to people years back because I know that I only have myself, in the end.

Sad lang. Realizing these now made me cry even more ‘cause I wasn’t like this. I used to be an open book. I ask for help when I need it. Now, all I do is shut myself from everyone and try to heal on my own. (I don’t even know if I’m healing.)

I think it’s also sad how some situations can change who you are as a person completely; no matter how long it has been. And how it’s unfair that it’s affecting your every decision since then.

I know I need to let go. I need to open up more. I need to ask for help. I need to realize that people are willing to listen no matter how long that shitty story of mine is. I need to stop comparing what I have to what I had. I need to let people in. I need to stop escaping my thoughts by taking medicines that only offers temporary solutions and groggy feeling the morning after. I need to remind myself that people love me in their own way; some just don’t know how to express it. I need to stop blaming my past of the person I’ve become because it’s all in the past and it doesn’t get to control who I am now.

Please don’t tell me what to do. I know what to do. I just needed you to listen and you did.

Thank you. I’ll get through this. We all will. Good night.

Love, Amielle

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9 thoughts on “Letters from A | 05

  1. Thank you for your raw and honest post. I’m sorry that you are hurting and hope that you find a way through this phase and get to heal and let go. Hang in there. Sending you lots of love, support and virtual hugs from New York 💕

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