Dec 1, 20 | 00:58
November was really tough. I don’t know if it’s because I dreaded that month since 2013 for a lot of reasons, or it was really.. just shitty.
One factor that reminds me my period’s coming is whenever I breakdown and cry over things that don’t (and shouldn’t) matter anymore. Tonight I cried about how my life has been this year.
When will I stop comparing what I had over what I have? Am I wrong to set standards for myself because that was what I experienced and what made me happy? Am I being unfair? Will I ever find a job? Will I ever be motivated enough to focus on finding a job? When will I be financially stable?
Am I really happy? Will I ever be as happy as I was before?
I don’t know.
Because life is shitty and we won’t ever know what the future holds.
It’s actually kinda crazy cause I used to think so much about my future, do you know that? Now I don’t even think about it unless I force myself to. I became more of a “present-person” who has completely let go of controlling her future. I focus more on what is happening now; on what I’m feeling now. I only think about the now cause we don’t even know if the future we’re thinking of is gonna come.
I don’t think about my future anymore but I think of how to make my present good enough so my future self would thank me.
Maybe it’s life’s doing. This isn’t who I am years ago. I had ideas about my future. I had options of where I want to be. I may not know exactly what I want to do but at least I had choices. What the hell happened? What has life done to me?
Now my future is SO vague that I honestly don’t know where the hell I’ll be in a year or two. Everything’s just so, so vague, complicated, and heavy that I decided to just focus on what I have now, instead of overthinking about things that aren’t even there yet.
Dec. 1, 20 | 09:19
I just read what I wrote last night. It was genuine, but totally my hormones talking.
It’s December 1st. First day of the last month of the year. Shet. It feels like yesterday we’re only making dalgona coffee and eating baked sushi. Time really flies when you’re doing nothing, no? Lol.
I don’t know. At this point, I lost motivation with everything that I just want to go back to PH and not think of expenses and bills to pay. My emergency funds – thank goodness I have – are almost finished and I’m too broke for this expensive country.
I’m even way too tired of the injustices of the world that I had to search this.
How dare you, King Alyattes. How dare you.