Letters from A | 04

The last time I wrote you a letter, I was maximizing my productivity doing a lot of stuff. Playing the piano, working out, taking online courses, and all that. Now that we’re almost two months into quarantine, all that productivity is long gone.

My nap that was supposed to be for 30 minutes extended to 3 hours and I just woke up at 6 pm with my head heavy probably because of oversleeping. I’ve been sleeping so late nowadays – mostly around 3-5 am – that I always wake up around or past noon time; something I would always regret once I come into my senses because I feel like half of my day is already gone. (As if I’m doing something productive to regret that. Lol.)

I finished The Science of Well-Being in Coursera by the way and I’d like to say I’m happier in some sense — if you’d take out the fact that I’ve been so angry and frustrated with the PH government again lately. I can’t weigh my happiness as of now because no matter how hard I try to be apathetic, I still end up seeing news online that sometimes it’s just.. tiring; I don’t even want to feel things anymore. It’s so tiring cause I feel like all Filipinos are getting angry for nothing. Maybe I should lessen the app limit on my phone from three hours to two.

Going back to my life update, I started learning Hangeul or the Korean language after TSWB and I’m proud to say that I can now read and write the language! Just how to read and write. I don’t even know what I’m reading or saying. Hahaha. It’s also from a free course on Coursera and I was surprised how easy it was. (Two hours for me!) Now what I need to learn are their words for everything, their grammar, and how to compose their sentences properly, which is obviously hard, so obviously, I stopped with the course a week after. Hahaha

So I stopped playing the piano, I don’t bother working out, I’m not learning anything online, what the hell am I doing, you may ask? Nothing productive. As in, nothing.

Sometimes I watch KDrama – I’m currently watching Welcome to Waikiki and it’s really funny, I’m literally laughing out loud while watching – or sometimes I continue reading the book I’ve been dreading to finish, but most of the time I just.. try to kill time by doing nothing. I don’t even have much time for other stuff anymore because I’m just sleeping all day. I feel like I tried to do all things at once in the early days of quarantine that I don’t have anything I want to do now. I mean, who knew this virus is going to take such a long time?

It’s taking forever and it’s already affecting my mental health, jusko. There are days where I literally feel like I don’t want to do anything at all. My mind and body keep on fighting with each other because one wants to move and the other just won’t cooperate. I even try not to scroll through social media much just to help myself. Because aside from seeing bad news, I just see people being productive which would make me think na, hey that was me, why can’t I do it now?

Ewan. If you feel the same, just know that you’re not alone. Sabi nga, it’s a hard time, and it’s okay to have a hard time, during a hard time. We’ll get through this. I just heard some sad news and can’t finish this post anymore. Talk to you soon.

Love, Amielle

15 thoughts on “Letters from A | 04

  1. Amielle, this was so honest and somehow reassuring. It made me feel less alone because I’ve been going through something similar. I understand the feeling of wanting to be apathetic for your own mental peace but not being able to ignore the state of things.
    I’ve been having a hard time being productive as well, and that’s okay because as you said, it’s okay to have a hard time during a hard time. And why must we measure ourselves in terms of productivity anyway? We are after all, human beings with ups and downs, and not machines.
    Thank you for sharing, I loved reading this.

    Like

    1. Aww. How are you doing now, Arshia? The past few weeks have been better for me ’cause I was spending it with people I love and I’ve been spending less time online. Thank you for taking time to comment also! I hope you’re feeling better!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Super relate ako dito. Doing many things when the lockdown start then productivity came spiraling down these last weeks. yung target ko na matulog at gumising ng maaga is not happening. Basta I take note na lang na this is not a productivity contest. It’s okay to feel bad and down. We’re doing our best to cope. It’s alright

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can understand you so much beautiful ❤️ It’s okay to not be okay. I sleep a lot too. I was also more productive earlier on then now. Our worth doesn’t rely in our productivity. It society which makes us feel that way. Your worth is in who you are and not what you do. Love you ❤️

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