Personal, Thoughts

How I almost lost someone close to me because of depression

Mental health awareness has been abuzz lately and never have I been so glad that a lot of people are getting informed and aware that depression is certainly not a joke.

It was a few weeks ago when a Filipino comedian/artist who has been in the show business industry for so many years now dropped this jerk-line live on national TV and said that depression is just something made up by someone and that they shouldn’t be given attention.

I woke up and this was the news that said good morning to me? I was mad, affected, and was one of those who was triggered because of the said statement. I even ranted on Twitter and blurted out about my own depression (which I don’t really tell anyone) but deleted it after a few hours because I.. wasn’t ready to talk about it.

He apologized the next day and said that his family talked to him about it; said he didn’t know that the issue was that deep and a lot of people have it. He learned from his mistakes, humbly apologized, and I felt his sincerity. I didn’t hold a grudge after.

To be honest, I’ve been working on this post ever since that guy dropped that line. I have forgiven but I’m not saying that I’m not affected anymore. I still am. Not because I once fell into this well — still falling sometimes — but because I almost lost someone very close to me because of depression.

It happened a few years back – back when depression wasn’t even really something a lot of people know about. Her family even found it funny that time because they felt that it was just all drama. Yes, they felt pain and sympathy for her but it cannot be denied that a small part at the back of their minds still thinks it’s not something to worry about. I, myself, didn’t realize it was already depression back then. I was young, I didn’t know what was happening, I know nothing about mental health. I was maybe influenced that it was sort of funny, but looking back, it’s something. It’s real.

We almost lost her.

(Aaaahh, tears are falling again but I need to finish this now. I’ve been working on this for a long time.)

It was all because of some family issues and she thought that she’s a responsibility to them. She felt like her children and everyone around her didn’t want her to be around. She felt useless. She felt like she’s not doing anything right. She didn’t want to be a burden anymore. She said that they can and will live without her; that life will still go on even without her.

She was depressed.

She left home – not telling her family, not telling anyone where she’s going, and everyone was looking for her. She came home a few days after and told them everything.

She told them how she almost jumped off a bridge.. because she wanted to die.

……………

She was bawling her eyes out, spilling everything. She felt useless, unimportant, not worthy of attention. The only reason why she didn’t jump off that bridge is that she worried her family won’t find her. She even thought of texting her loved ones first before jumping so they would be informed and would look for her. She was troubled that her body may not float if she jump and her body won’t be seen forever. 

She was worried that her family won’t find her. We won’t find her.

She’s my grandmother. And we almost lost her.

All because of depression.

No matter how old you are, what time or day it is, if depression eats you, it will eat you alive. So what I learned and will always tell everyone is that when people share their problems with you, don’t shut your door and tell them that it’s just all drama. Listen to them no matter how shallow or deep their problems are, no matter what you think of the situation.

They reached out to you because they need you. They trusted you. So just.. listen. Because sometimes, that’s just what they need – someone who will listen and understand. Do not invalidate their feelings just because some people have it worse. We’re all different. Don’t tell someone what you don’t want others to tell you when you’re the one who’s having problems.

And if ever you’re the one who’s dealing with this, please don’t be afraid to seek help. Go to family and friends who you know will support and understand you. Let it all out. Cry. Wail. Shout. Don’t keep it all to yourself that taking your own life will be your last resort. There are a lot of people like me out there who will listen to you, who will help you, who will make you feel you’re worthy of life because you are. You are worthy to be loved and you deserve to live.

Imagine traveling to different places and seeing how beautiful the world is. Imagine reaching your dreams and goals in life. Imagine how your family and friends are going to be so proud of you. Imagine having pets. Imagine having your own place with the love of your life. Imagine having kids.

Life has so much to offer for you. It may be scarred and quite a mess but it is beautiful, wonderful, and worth living for. So are you. I hope you know that.

Love, Amielle

97 thoughts on “How I almost lost someone close to me because of depression”

  1. Jesus christ, I don’t know why but it never even occurred to me that it was your grandma you were talking about…. stupidly, I’ve never even thought about the fact that older people suffer from depression too. I’m glad your grandma didn’t jump that day!xx

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  2. Well said po ate Amielle.. Depression os not a joke. And isntead of letting them carry the world on their own, we should take a step and help them.. We shouldn’t be selfish to share our light to them when theirs is theatening to be extiguished.. We should make them feel that there is still hope and that there still exists that one thing which we call LOVE.❤❤

    And I thought it was a friend of yours ate.. And I was shocked when I learned that it was your grandmother.. Na shookt ako dun grabe..

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  4. Teka naiiyak ako… Sana okay na okay na ngayon ang lola mo. 😢

    Share lang. Sa tuwing nakakabasa, nakakapanood, ako ng tungkol sa ganito. Napapaisip talaga ako kung nasan ba ako. Kasi nahihirapan ako mismong ivalidate yung nararamdaman ko dahil iniisip ko nasa thin line lang ako between being depressed at being okay. Nahihirapan akong sabihing depressed ako dahil hindi pa naman ako nagsiseek ng help from professionals. Nahihirapan akong sabihing depressed ako dahil di ko malaman yung dahilan. Nahihirapan akong sabihing depressed ako dahil hindi nila ako pinapaniwalaan. Lagi nilang nasasabi noon, “malungkot lang ako”. Kaya nahihirapan akong sabihing depressed ako dahil ang paniniwala ko malungkot lang ako. Sobrang malungkot. Ibang lebel na lang ng lungkot. Ang hirap ng ganun. Iniisip ko nga mabuti pa yung iba, alam nila sa sarili nila kung ano yung nararamdaman nila. May pinaglalaban sila. Samantalang ako, nagpapanggap na okay kasi nung minsang sinabi ko sa sarili kong depressed ako. Ang mga narinig ko, “malungkot ka lang”, “oa mo”, “kulang ka sa atensyon”, “mas mahirap pa yung problema ko sayo”, “may kilala ako, yung totoong depressed”. Ang hirap tuloy lumugar. Haha. Wala ka nalang magawa kundi magpanggap na okay kasi yun na lang yung tingin mong tamang gawin para sa sarili mo. Pero pag dumating na naman yung puntong tatamaan ako nito, ang sh*tty ko na dahil minsan hiniling kong may mas malala akong gawin para maintindihan nila ako. Grabe noh? Epal ko na ahahaha. Ang sakit kasi ang dating ng comment na ‘to parang nabubuhay ako para maintindihan nila hahaha. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng atensyon ng madami, kailangan ko lang ng atensyon nung mga taong inaasahan kong tutulungan ako. Pero nadidisappoint ako. Kaya kakayanin ko na lang ‘to. Kung ano man ‘to. Kung meron man talaga. Hahaha

    Ang sense lang talaga ng comment kong malapost na: Ang hirap nang tahimik na lumalaban, lalo na’t di ako sigurado kung may dapat ba akong labanan.. 😂

    Pero after my long comment, love this post although nakakalungkot. I really hope your grandma’s okay now. :)

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    1. Huy pasensya sa mahaba kong kalokohan ahahaha, di ko lang napigilan magshare, nagkatime ako bigla 😂 pang isang blog post ko na ‘to oh. Hahaha

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    2. Huuuuuy. Gets. Atsaka ano ka ba!! Wala ‘yan kahit ga’no pa ‘yan kahaba, worthy to be read ‘yan :)

      May nabasa ako noon sa Twitter. Parang the big difference daw between being stressed & depressed is ‘yung depressed, kapag nagseself harm ka na and you’re having suicidal thoughts na daw. Ganun. Though I’m sure madaming pang factors.

      Noon (and actually hanggang ngayon), medyo hindi ko rin alam kung ano ba nararamdaman ko, eh. Kaya siguro minsan we really have to ask and seek for help and guidance.

      ‘Wag mo nalang pansinin ‘yung mga hanash hanash! I’m sure they mean no harm kasi baka ‘di pa sila masyadong aware and taboo pa ang depression sa PH, pero isipin mo always na there are other people who will listen and susuportahan ka talaga. Laban lang tayo always!! Huuuuuuugs!

      Will be praying for you. 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

    5. Ramdam kita dito. Yung alam mo naman may something going on pero di mo masabing “ito” yon. Kasi baka sabihin ng iba, nag iinarte ka lang. Nakiki-hype ka lang. Nagpapansin ka lang.

      Hay! Wala tayong magawa kundi ituloy ang buhay!

      Fighting lang!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel you po dun sa hindi natin need ng atensyon ng madami, just the people we trust the most. Pero in the end, disappointed tayo. Huhu. Keri po natin ‘to. With the help of Him, syempre.

    Super agree din po ako sa sinabi niyong mahirap lumaban ng tahimik. Mahirap. Sobrang hirap. Tapos kapag ka naman nagsalita ka wala namang makikinig. Hayyy, kay Lord na lang po tayo magsumbong ng ating mga hinanakit. 😍

    Oha, ang haba din po ng comment ko sa comment mo po. Haha. 😂😂😂

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  8. Eto lang: I’m glad that a lot of people are talking about this now. It’s not something to be taken lightly anymore. I’m hoping that you’re grandma is better now.

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  11. Nasaan na ngayon si Lola? Kamusta na sya? Hope okay na sya ngayon, minsan din nagpapatong-patong na yan lalo feeling nila hindi na sila maka catch up sa mundo ng mga mahal nila. Hope your lola is well!

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    1. Totoo, Ate. Minsan, ayaw rin kasi talaga nila mag-share ‘no kasi iniisip nila magiging pabigat pa sila e ang dami na iniisip ng mga anak n’ya.

      Nasa mga Tita ko s’ya ulit Ate now. And ‘yun, natututo mag chat chat sa fb, lagi nangungulit sa’kin at nangangamusta. Haha. Thank you Ate! :)

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    2. oo, naranasan ko na yun, yung mapagsabihan pa na “nag-iinarte” haha!
      Buti naman okay na si lola, maganda naman talaga minsan yan mag fb para makasabay sya kahit papaano hehe, next time mag vlog na si lola :)

      Like

  12. Dati wala tayong alam about depression. Sana ngayon aware na lahat ng tao about it. Agree ako sa lahat ng sinasabi mo dito. Looking back my mom showed some signs of depression before and I thought nagdadrama lang sya. But eventually na-overcome nya yun because of us. Now meron na syang mga bagay na pinagkakaabalahan and she already found her purpose. Scary no?

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  13. Amielle, na-sad ako dito. I hope your Lola is doing fine now. Will include her in my prayers.

    Yes, walang pinipiling age ang depression. I watched a video once, sa ibang bansa to nangyari. Nagkkwento yung nanay about sa experience nya with her son. He was only 5 years old, pero he was saying things like “i want to die, i want a gun so i can shoot myself” ganun. How can a 5yr old boy talk about things like that diba? Kaya wala talaga syang pinipiling age.

    It’s a lesson for us to be mindful about the people close to us. That we should always look after each other. :)

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  15. Omggg I just read this beautiful post and cried. Damn, the feels. Those last sentences really stuck with me. Anxiety makes my life hard too and sometimes I feel the same. I’m so happy I found you and other people on this blog who really help me and support me aswell as my lovely friends & family. I love you Amielle 💜 I hope one day we could meet. I just kinda feel a connection. I’m so glad for you that your grandmother didn’t took her life. It must have been a hard time. You are so strong to write this when you battle this demon yourself. We are fucking strong and we can beat every bad thing in our lives. And yes, life is wonderful through all the chaos and mess. 💜💜

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    1. Awww Christinaaa. Thank you for such kind words. Means a lot to me. And same goes with you. I know you’re strong, as well, and I’m here for you, okay?

      You’re sooo sweet and you’re always welcome at my home! I really wish we can meet each other someday. I know we’d totally click! Haha love you too! 🤗💖

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Thank you for sharing this. Mental health awareness is extremely important and we need to be able to recognize the signs when someone needs help.

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  19. Please hug your lola for me :( I know I am total stranger but I know what it feels like to almost let my demons take my life. Depression is not a joke or a trend – it is real and it is killing people both physically and mentally. And what’s the shittiest thing? Depression is a re-occurring demon and everything is just a mess one second. When you thought you have recovered, suddenly you’ll find yourself hitting that same wall again f*ck :((((( I hope your lola is getting better. My prayers to her and your family ☺

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    1. It doesn’t matter if we’re total strangers, I don’t mind. I appreciated your comment so much so super thank you dun.

      I agree with what you said na minsan kahit akala natin tapos na, babalik pa rin s’ya nang ‘di natin inaasahan.

      Thank you ulit, Abby!! Nice to meet you here! Huuuuugs!

      Like

  20. Depression isn’t a joke, just like mental illness in general is not. I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I did go through periods of it where I just felt lost and had nothing to live for and it may or may not have actually been it, but it was similar. There is so much to live for, but people feel trapped, alone, isolated, no one to talk to, no one who understands. And they don’t want to burden someone else with this weight they’re holding in. I’m sorry your grandmother went through a period of it, but I’m glad she didn’t go through with ending her life.

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    1. Aww, Laken. I hope you know I’m here if ever you need someone to talk to. Do you have Instagram or I can add you on Facebook if you’d like.

      It really isn’t a joke and I hope everyone gets the support they truly need. Hope you’re feeling okay today! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Awww thank you! I’m in a much better place now, this was when I was going through a rough period 4 or 5 years ago. But thank you 💜

      I hope they do, too! They need support more than anything. And I’m feeling fine, thank you!

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    1. She’s feeling better! Sana. We’re still not that sure kasi eh syempre lola alam mo naman ayaw magsabi kapag nahihirapan s’ya. But through the years naman, wala naman nang naging ganun kalaking problem talaga.

      Yakap Ate! Labyuuu

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Huuug. Salamat sa pag-share. It really is time to look deeper sa mental and emotional wellbeing especially sa Pilipinas mejo taboo pa ang topic ng depression. Haay. I hope all is well kay lola and sa family. <3

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    1. Yes, super true!! Buti nga po medyo nagiging exposed and aware na ang Pinas na totoo ‘yung depression, eh. Kasi noon parang sasabihin lang, nag-iinarte ganyan ganyan.

      Hope you’re okay rin Ate! Hehe huuuugs!!!

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  29. Depression can affect all ages. Even though suicide attempts may be more in younger individuals, the rate of suicide deaths is more in older folks. It is because depression in this age can be more serious, so when they think of suicide they are more deadly when committing it. I hope your grandma is doing better.

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  32. Na shook ako. I thought it was a friend of yours or like a sibling. Pero grandmother? Wow that was unexpected. Depression really is the talk of the town lately. Add the fact about what happened to Nadine Lustre’s younger brother. :( I hope your grandmother is doing fine now :) I always have a soft spot to older people in general like grandparents. Seeing them in pain hurts me a lot. :(

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    1. Yes. ☹️ But good thing is.. I’m happy a lot of people are becoming more aware of it na and marami rin nagstastand up for those people. Nakakatuwa ‘yung progress ng community. Hehe.

      She is! Thank you! 🤗💖

      Liked by 1 person

    1. YES.. Tapos may comment si Doc pinoytranslant, sabi n’ya, mas dangerous pa daw kapag oldies kasi mas parang sure sila compared sa mga younger ones na madami pa panghihinayangan and what ifs, ganyan. Huhu

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  36. I don’t understand why people think depression is a joke or something some people use as an excuse to act like victims. That comedian would never joke about someone with cancer or a physical illness, I can bet. Why is it that some people think suffering from mental illnesses is any less worthy of attention and care? I’m so happy your grandma didn’t jump off that bridge. Its horrible that there are so many of us who feel desperately alone and unloved. If people took depression more seriously, that alone could help create a society that supports and helps those suffering from it much more.

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  37. Amielle, this heartfelt and extremely touching post has me in tears. Depression can touch any of us. It is critical that we wake up to the fact that we are surrounded by people in the throws of some form of Mental Illness and that because it isn’t visible (and with depression it is common for people to simply hide away or to put on the smile when they do have to go out). That your story highlights the very real problem amongst the aged makes it double powerful. Thank you for this and though I seldom follow a new follower I am making an exception for you. You are an exceptional young woman and I look forward to reading more of your work – whatever the subject. Take good care and I send you much love from France (because I actually believe that love really IS all we need in this world) xx 🇫🇷 🌸

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    1. :’) Thank you so much for such kind words. I am always speechless whenever someone compliments me or the way I write. Thank you. It’s overwhelming but in a good way. I hope that a lot of people would become more aware how depression is real and serious (and deadly if not prevented or helped), it does not choose any age or day, and I just really want to help spread awareness of it.

      Thank you so much and I am sending back much love to you from Abu Dhabi, UAE. 😘May the universe bless you and your beautiful heart more. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  38. Hello Ameielle,

    depression is a very serious problem, it can be.I was there in one period of my life.That is horrible experience. I do not think that anybody can help us except ourselves. I decided to resist negative thoughts and I cured myself.It was not an easy road :)

    Thank you

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  39. What a thoughtful writing (I failed to find the best word describes it).
    I lately feel about it too, my brother is kind of being depressed by somethin, he just doesn’t want to tell to anyone. He doesn’t speak. At first we all thought it was a drama. Some of my family still think the ame, but I eventually aware, there is something about him. Oh, thank you for bravely sharing this. It’s and hard issue, even to tell.

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  40. Progressive punishing illnesses are unrelenting never-ending battles on the mind…when u lose someone there is no turning back time. I am glad that u fortunate u did not have to. Enjoy your New Years! TC

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  42. Pingback: The Life I Promised You – Love, Amielle

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